Sunday, July 13, 2014

Is it love or addiction? It depends on who's driving the bus!

The simple answer is, it's addiction if you have done this behavior before to ease the pain. What pain? Any pain. We all carry it. We all have leftover hurts from childhood we wish that our parents would have taken care of for us. But they didn't. That left them in our hands... our young, innocent, barely functioning hands. 'Cause let's be honest - decisions we made about how things work or how to fix things that we made at the age of 16 could easily be classified as totally ignorant of how the world really works. It might seem like the right idea at the time.... but then as you get older, you have to come to terms with the fact the behavior you're doing to ease the pain is in and of itself a problem!

Welcome to addiction.

You know, it's easy to spot addiction when it's right out there. Nicotine, caffeine, alcohol, marijuana, prescription drugs. Those are all no-brainers, right? Anybody could spot those without a magnifying glass. But what about other behaviors? Lying. Cheating. Stealing. Addiction to food. Addiction to sex. Addiction to exercise? A little more difficult to pin down at first glance. A lot of these things are normal and even great behaviors we all do as humans. It's when they cross the line that they become trouble.

So what's a good definition of that? Well, in my mind, an addiction is any behavior you do compulsively, over and over, expecting to result in your ultimate happiness - aka, to "cure" you of your pain - and you throw yourself into it without caution, without conscious, rational thought, and it's like someone else is driving the bus.

Well when you're in the grips of a compulsive behavior there IS someone else driving the bus. It's you, but it's a younger, more hurt, more scared, part of you that is replaying a tape from long ago, crossing its fingers and hoping that this time it will work, this time you get what is you really NEED.

People look to all sorts of outside sources for a "cure." Food, shopping, booze, running, sex, stealing, etc. All these items are outside of oneself. Here's the bad news: they'll never fill the hole inside you. YOU are the only one that can fill it. YOU have to do it yourself. Rhianna wrote a song about trying to fill that hole and how she realized it was her problem and her hole to fill.

That's a downer you say? Yeah, it can be, if you take the time to understand who you let the drive the bus for so long. Your younger self. Not the older, wiser, adult one. No. That's not how it works. The older, wiser adult gets pushed in the background because the NEED to cure the PAIN is so damn great. 

Let's face it. We're scared of our pain. Scared it will bowl us over and lease us shattered, empty and broken. But the truth is, we're already all those things. We just aren't dealing with it. We're slapping on a bandage that can't possibly contain it, hoping and praying for a miracle this time. But this time is just like last time. And realizing that is the way out. 

Happiness lies outside the circle. You have to make it yourself, but at least it's yours. It's not the fake happiness your fourteen or six or eleven year-old self thinks it deserves. It's a more whole, more controlled, more stable happiness that perhaps doesn't glow quite so brightly, but at least doesn't continue to make the hole bigger.

More on addiction later,


Saturday, May 17, 2014

2014 early garden pics

Another year begins at Davis Farms.

Chives that have gone to seed, with their little purple puff balls.

Salad rows

Early kale bed

Collard greens

early potato beds

The new additions to the family - blueberries.
So nice to see the fence again once the wayward grapes were pulled up!

Shallots! Dutch of course 

Flowering sage

Okra! currently nesting in their wall o' waters

tiny parsley yay!

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

The end of Separation is now / working with my animus / Cardinal Grand Cross 2014 / Tom Lescher Astrology Forecast for April 22, 2014

Happy Cardinal Grand Cross day of 2014! Fucking-a yeah! This has been a rough week for me emotionally, as fear has reared its ugly head. But I think I've been able to dampen it down a little and connect the body and spirit. I took a hike alone at lunchtime that helped a little. Helped break those old patterns of reacting to every little thing with FEAR.

 Hey, as Tom Lescher points out, you believe what you've been TAUGHT.

Somewhere along the line, I learned some very powerful lessons I'm still trying to undo. Still in recovery from. More on certain aspects of that later. But for now, let's say that I learned early on to react to authority with fear. As Lescher points out, there's also a YOU VS ME aspect we've all been taught. A separation has dug itself into our hearts and minds where it doesn't belong. It's not male vs female.

It's not you vs me. Nuh uh. It's WE. It always has been, it always will be. You are me, the planet is me, I am the spirit and I am another you. You can stay separate from me, and I can stay separate from you, from the Earth, from my own spirit, but at some point -like, um, a Cardinal Grand Cross! - the truth will out. Here's what Tom had to say:


Lovely message. He's so fun. I totally dig his messages. No more separation is a good thing, but you know, it means no more separation. Think about it.

No more separation from the darker parts of yourself. They're all you. Embrace them. Accept them. Live them.

No more separation from the opposite sex. No more male vs female. I am another you. We are equal. We make a whole. Together, it can work.

No more separation from the things you hate in other people. They are parts of you too. Hello! Welcome to the truth. We are all connected. I can hate you, but I must also hate a part of myself. Which his my choice, but as Tom points out, it weakens my strength. Accept. Admit. Move on to the next task.

I'll talk more later about Animus work. I think it's really time for the FEMININE to birth a new image of the MASCULINE that feeds our souls. That heals our world. I plan to write more about this all year.

Talk to you soon!


Thursday, April 17, 2014

Poor Joffrey #gameofthrones did not do you justice


There comes a time in almost every TV show where they air an episode that turns my interest to dust. They did it with Lost when Ben shot John Locke, my favorite character, execution-style and left him in an open grave full of bones.

I said to myself, THIS is entertainment? I didn't realize mass murder had become entertainment!

Though I did watch a few more episodes off and on, I never regained my initial enthusiasm for it, and never watched the full series.


I think I just watched the episode of Game of Thrones that made me no longer care. It think my enthusiasm for that show died with a poorly executed episode that made my eyes want to roll back into my head!

I watched Season 4, episode 2 recently and I have to say I just found it fell short. Not of my expectations, wholly, but short of what it could have been.

Joffrey was a much hated character and a center stone of the GOT universe. But in the episode that contained his wedding and his death, he was overshadowed by other characters. Bronn for instance. Tyrion. Sansa.

Joffrey's scenes weren't movingly written. They were flat and devoid of the kind of real passionate madness we've come to expect from Joffrey. He lets his new wife distract him with pie? Even the skit didn't serve to intensify his cruelty - the scene wasn't really tied to him. IMO it belonged to Sansa. The instant she saw the head roll onto the stones, the scene was hers. The gripping, emotional, I'll-remember-it-forever part of the scene wasn't Joffrey's. It should have been.

Yes, he died well. Yes, he looked pretty darn bad at the end, but it was too quick, too one-off, too, let's get this done and move on. Joffrey deserved more than that. All he got was a couple of scenes where he's exploiting Tyrion and acting cruelly but in a general way. Not in a sink-your-teeth-into-the-horror-of-it way.

Speaking of gripping, Tyrion did a fine job of breaking up with Shae. There was more emotion in that scene, and in Sansa's than in Joffrey's death.

Oh and Bronn - I thought it simply perfect when Shae slapped him! His head really did snap quite nicely. And Bronn, really, owned most of the show. He's neck and neck with The Hound for me for secondary character.

The dwarf, of course, is still my #1!

More later,

P.S. I'm not the only one not cheering over the episode. Josh Dickey has this to say:

Friday, January 31, 2014

Daily astrological forecast: It's all fucked

Right now, I can't even tell you the troubles I'm experiencing.

The Sun quincunx Jupiter later today suggests there may be some discomfort with our current path.

Huh. No kidding. There seems to be a lot of that going around and I feel like people don't really understand each other very well. You don't really know me.  I don't really know you, but we're all caught up in this judging, this certainty, this "I want it this way" which I fear will not serve us in the long run.

Here's something about breaking those old patterns no longer serving us well:

.... recognize that some level of detachment and distancing ourselves from our habits and attachment to the past will help us break away from destructive behaviors that are holding us back. With this potent Aquarius energy, we have the chance to make progressive changes in our lives. For some of us, circumstances are such that we need to pay more attention to these matters.

Letting go of the past is hard. Very hard indeed. But wait, there's more good news, if we don't choose to do it, we'll be forced to do it: 

So those touched by this aspect might be trying unfeasibly hard to mend a relationship through their passionate unconditional love. If the relationship does not respond to your persistent Jupiter optimism do please learn to let go. If you do not, then Jupiter square Uranus (As part of a T-square withPluto) on February 26 will do a fantastic job of shattering your dream romance into tiny little pieces

And then we get the Grand Cross on April 23rd which one astrologer said was the most dangerous day of 2014. 

Among the predictions are the collapse of the EU, the fall of the dollar, massive rioting in Spain, Greece and Syria and a new social order rising out of the economic disaster this cross will bring.

So how will we survive this on a planetary level? On a personal level? On an inner child level? I think the adult is eclipsing the inner child, but the soul makes itself heard on days such as this. Listen closely. You might not like the message, but it's yours all the same.


Saturday, January 4, 2014

2014 Horoscopes Libra, and Snake

It's that time again!

Fortune Fortelling in 2014Overview: They finally get through 2013, the year of their birth, with bad fortune and welcome a comparatively good year. They will welcome good fortune in life, career and other aspects.

Career: Snake people will be fortunate in career in 2014. It is suggested to seize all good chances in the beginning of the year to make a solid foundation for later improvement in the whole year.

Libra Horoscope 2014 for Love And Relationships

According to your Libra 2014 horoscope, private life may appear to be difficult. It is possible that all the problems you were annoyed with for a long time may snowball rapidly. An explosion of emotions is most likely to happen in the second half of 2014, and neither you, nor your partner may be ready to compromise. If relationship is already dead, it’s no use giving any advice. If not, you have the first half of 2014 to settle your love affairs. You may have a complicated relationship with maternal relatives.

Libra Horoscope 2014 for Finance

2014 is quite successful financially. The first half of 2014 is especially favorable, when a considerable income may come your way. However, difficult financial situations may appear in November and December 2014. You may suffer from financial claims in this period. For some people, it’ll be connected with private life, for others with professional activity.

Relationships Horoscope of Libra in 2014

Pluto would illuminate a dark corner for you in the interpersonal in 2014. This would let you use your objective and progressive thinking to get rid of the fog of the interpersonal aspects.

Health Horoscope of Libra in 2014

It is not easy to keep your health in 2014. In fact, your body function would have greater consumption as your mood changes. You would often feel abnormal exhausted. Thd body functions of yours need update in March, April and July of 2014, especially the vocal cords, muscles and ligaments need to be protected. It is not recommended that you engage in adventure sports at this time.

If you're already hitched, expect a series of mind-blowing lessons and non-stop insight in the realms of romance and long-term commitment. This is your year to uncover and break through any codependent patterns once and for all. If you've been struggling with commitment issues (what Libra, doesn't?) you will have tremendous support from Saturn and the Nodes of Fate to keep you from your usual fence sitting. The big shift takes place in March when the North Node of Fate moves into your constellation triggering a series of very fated, life-altering events and destined relationships that will unfold over the next few years. All of your relationships (not just romantic) will be radically transformed, as will you. The themes of balance, justice, and beauty will be all consuming starting in March when the North Node moves into Libra. You'll feel right in your element as others will also be learning all about the art of diplomacy and compromise with you for a change. Life is about to feel infinitely sweeter in 2014.
In any case, relationships will be the priority if not the obsession in 2014. In fact, it may be hard to focus on anything else after March comes, so you may want to get as much non-relationship business out of the way during the first two months of the year.
You're the romantic of the zodiac, Libra, but commitment is often another issue. You're letting go of any love-'em-and-leave-'em defenses as the planets push you to get super serious about your relationships. You often like to keep one foot out the door just in case you change your mind (even if your beloved has no idea you're still going back and forth internally) but that can often due more damage to your love life than you realize. You'll be uprooting these fickle patterns and realizing how they've only served to sabotage your relationships in the past. You're ready for something real and lasting now -- even if it requires hard work!
Pluto, now in Capricorn, will urge you towards getting more control over the foundations of your life. Your location, your home and your family relationships will be affected as this strong energy takes root within you and comes to you from the outside. Problems from the past or childhood conditioning will most likely come up for some deeper scrutiny and you begin to understand the ramifications of certain inherited tendencies or emotional patterning coming down through the family line and how you may be expressing this in your everyday life. Some of these old patterns will be strengths but some will be undesirable and this energy will bring conditions which elicit change on inner levels.
In a more external way Pluto, the planet of death/rebirth, may mean your domestic set-up, place on the map or routines at home are changing in radical ways. There is also likely to be a fundamental shift in family relationships as the old loyalties give way to new ones through separation, death or new birth.

Saddlerock Jan 3 2014

First Saddlerock hike of the year.

File under: Muddy. As. Fuck.

And also: WTF were we doing out there?

Oh and here's some new prayer flags for 2014:

Hoping for a better year in 2014!


Sunday, December 29, 2013

Hiking Saddlerock in the winter

Oh come and hike with me
Up in the hills
In the chilly hillsides
Where no one is whispering
And you can't even see your own shadow

Hike to the edge of the world
and look over the precipice
into nothing

Feel the cold chill air around you
In the stillness
Hear your own heart beat
Hear your own breath
and the stomp of your feet

Nothing else moves
There are no distractions
Your mind is wiped clean

Nature around you is sleeping
Frozen in time

But the beauty can't be beat

So, come hike with me!

It's what the body and mind needs!


Wednesday, December 25, 2013

Love and therapy 2013

Late last year I started seeing a counselor. Not about love, really but more about my stuckness in my own life. My feelings of despair that stayed mostly hidden, but somehow always seemed to turn up on the yoga mat in child's pose.

Yep. I would go to class and end up in child's pose and just want to cry. Can't say that I've ever had that experience before, or that I ever figured out exactly where those feelings were coming from. The term "inner child" seemed reasonable enough so I started working on contacting my "inner child." What I found was my inner child was a brat.

It's hard to talk to a brat. She just ignores you or says sassy things and flounces off. Bye bye. See ya. I tried to reason with her and after a while kind of gave up. At the same time, I had a bunch of weird dreams about my inner feminine and my Anima (inner masculine). They'd been at odds for some time and things were looking bleak. So throwing that into the mix, I decided to get another counselor.

A Jungian counselor would have been nice but would have probably cost a fortune and taken a whole lot longer. I'm glad I tried Family Tree Counseling instead (via Skype). With their focus on family of origin issues, I'd say they had a pretty no-bullshit approach to my issues that didn't involve Jungian stereotypes at all. What it mainly involved was pushing me in the right direction to grow up. Here's a note to the faint of heart: it isn't easy. But like most things in life, *shit* just happens.

Dad had a heart attach in February and it's been a long road of recovery for him. At Christmas dinner tonight he looked tired and bit weak. He's been depressed. I worry about my mom who bears the brunt of taking care of him. I feel like there's more I could do. Almost dying is a big dose of reality for you, your loved ones and those around you. Life and your perceptions about it change. Things that were once important seem less so. You're less willing to do what you want to do and more willing to do the right thing. But again, it isn't easy. It's a tough path to tread. But every one of us walks it at some time in our lives. This year was my turn.

My turn to grow up a little.

No, I didn't say all my problems were solved or that I'd magically become happy. If anything, life got a bit duller, less glossy, more serious. Life is serious. It can weigh on you, bring you to your knees in seconds, that's all it takes. So then there's love.

Over the past couple of years my concept of love has changed. Two years ago my concept of love was that of a 16-year old girl's who didn't get love or affection from her family, so she sought it outside of the family unit, in a succession of boyfriends and lovers and totally messed up relationships. Welcome to the ACOA lifestyle, the counselor said. Now, when are you going to get a handle on that? The idea that love could be something else besides two people desperately seeking affection struck me as a foreign new idea. After all, I thought I had the answers already. I thought I already knew who I was. But even though the inner child was a bit stand-offish, the inner adult started to speak.

New information flowed in. The concept of loving oneself - which I mainly do through yoga and hiking and massage - came to the forefront. Who'd have thought one could be responsible for their own emotions and not desperately seek someone else to make them feel better? Drop the co-dependency and find your own path. What a startling way to think. But it's also a bit lonely. As you make changes yourself, not everyone else around you does as well. They can stay stuck where they are. It's you that moves, changes, and adapts.

Then I found who I think of my newest counselor, the one who really speaks to the journey I'm on. It might be coincidence, unless you really believe the way the stars are aligned directly affect our lives. But it still works. Take a gander at what he has to say:

Note, he does tend to ramble!

But if you listen to his messages over several weeks, you'll see that what he's been saying is - the time is up. You need to make the changes life is urging you to make. Make the hard decisions. Grow the fuck up <-- that one's mine :) But basically the time for bullshit is over. Long overdue. Now all of the things we used to hang onto no longer sustain us. We have to let go of the old patterns and ways of thinking. We are entering a new phase. We are being asked to grow up and no longer look to the past. We must find our own contentment and our own internal peace that's not from an external source.

So how does that relate to love?

All these years I've been latching onto an external source of emotional security through a partner and calling it love. But there's a real downside to that for everybody. Both people have to love themselves first before you can have a healthy relationship. They have to be whole first before they can truly partner. If we don't treat ourselves with dignity, we won't treat the other person with dignity either; it's just a desperate, usatory relationship for all involved. It's far better to take the time to build one's own sense of identity and not lose ourselves in the other person. New choices are hard to make, but they can free us, allow us to see new ways of being and connecting that we hadn't considered.

For me, the path to learning about love this past year has been to let go of my old ways of thought. I no longer desperately desire what I thought was love, but was only my way of seeking emotional security in another. I no longer wish to have that same relationship over and over and over. I want to have a new kind of relationship but I'm not sure what that looks like yet. I'm not sure what my new idea of love is exactly. I only know it's not based in the past. It can't be any longer. Life is dragging me down the road kicking and screaming and though I want to hang on to the good parts of my past ways, the bucket keeps coming up from the well empty.

We all change. And sometimes that's for the best!


Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Dreams and inner yoga in Fort Worden, WA

Just got back from a yoga conference with Angela Farmer and Victor Van Kooten. These peeps:

This was a great antidote to the over achieving twenty-something let's strike a pose teachers I've been seeing lately. Although I do love the hot yoga in the winter time, I have found it increasingly hard to keep up. It takes doing a lot of yoga to stay that ready to do those poses and I just haven't been doing them. So yoga for me has been falling by the way side.

Well no more!

Angela and Victor came to Port Townsend and taught at Fort Worden for two days about their yoga point of view. It definitely does not involve poses! In fact their yoga could be called anti-poses which is probably why you don't hear a lot about it in the yoga community. Probably it would be too hard for most people to teach. It would involve you and a mat and you actively listening to your body, making up your own poses as needed and basically just opening up and doing the opposite of what "normal" yoga teaches.

"Normal" yoga teaches poses
"Normal" yoga teaches to close down the lower chakras and bring the energy up to the top
"Normal" yoga focuses on a goal that the outer body imposes on the inner body

Angela and Victor's yoga doesn't teach any poses
They teach opening up the the lower chakras - the two base chakras - and letting those guide you
Their yoga teaches to listen to the inner body and its wisdom

Sacrilege to some practitioners, I'm sure!

I enjoyed it, but came home sore. Mostly because I tried to open a monster window at Fort Worden by myself. Ouch!

And I've been having weird dreams. Angela is all about the inner feminine which is great, but what if your inner feminine is a bitch? It's not so good. Here's a dream I had after the first class:

So after being in yoga class all day yesterday and opening all those darn petals – it’s a chakra thing – I of course dream about my inner feminine. I don’t have a very good relationship with my inner feminine and in some ways my inner feminine has a terrible relationship with the outer world 

The last time I saw her in a dream this expressive she was a disembodied head screaming at a man lying on the floor of the elevator at my feet. Yep, a real nice gal.

Anyway in this dream my hiking buddy Annette was the one with the terrible mother. (Annette represented me since all people of the same sex in your dreams represent pieces of yourself, if you didn’t know that but let’s not make this more complicated than it already is.) And Annette basically wanted to kill her mother.

So the perfect soccer mom type 1950’s mother is lurking about making snarky comments about Annette and Annette and me are hiding out behind this brick wall in the kitchen that has these slats in it so Annette can sorta see me, and Annett’s got a gun. She’s waiting for mum to come around the corner so she can blast her. She throws a hair dryer to draw her closer and waits.

In the meantime nobody moves and I’m scared Annette’s gonna shoot me by mistake! But then I peek my head around the corner and I see that the woman’s gone to the front door. In pour a bunch of tiny little soccer girls and their parental units. Like they’re just stopping by after the big game to say hi or something.

So the mother gets out some treats for them and starts talking to these little girls about what’s wrong with Annette (me). Then she starts singing this song about how everything started out happy at the end of the rainbow where the stars come from, but then how Annette found unhappiness there too, and kept going back for more. Then she broke into Somewhere Over the Rainbow and all the little kids joined in.

I woke up going WTF? Really?

Too much yoga is dangerous in the wrong hands, I tell ya.

And so there you have it. A nasty unsupportive mum and probably Annette as the teenage me wanting to kill her. Yikes. And so you think.... well, I need a better inner feminine role model for sure but where to get one?

But Victor wasn't totally forgotten either. I didn't get a very supportive inner masculine role model either. Both of them kind of sucked really. But I thought to myself, well, at least I'm balanced. I don't see one sex as fairer than the other - it's a Libra thing.

Last night I dreamed about a sort of inner male - or got information from one. He was lying in the easy chair snoozing and I was standing over him watching him sleep. When he woke up I snatched the two remote controls from him saying that's what I wanted. I took those and went and watched two very different movies. One was a happy movie about a woman and the other very discordant and fear-inducing. And I woke up thinking to myself that I have to find a way to balance this shit too. Cause I really did grow up with two very different views of the world - the fearful one from my parents and the happy one that just comes naturally with being a child.

And I sit here this morning wondering just how much I have to balance in life. It's weirdness, I tell you.