Sunday, February 24, 2013

You chose this death

Why do people make the choices they do?

Why is it they don't discuss their decisions openly? Maybe other people would like to have a crack at them!

Or maybe other people should just speak up.

"Hey Dad, why do you just keep smoking? Even when it's obvious you can't breathe?"

"You got some sort of death wish?"

I consider myself a not so subtle person. I can be pushy. I tend to push. It's not really from a perspective that I'm right and everybody else is wrong. It's more from a perspective of nagging caring. Or else it's determination mixed with common sense. 

*If I can't get my way with charm, look out!* 

I'm far above using brute force to obtain my means. But if the issue is important, I'm not averse to a few nasty looks, some evil glares, and a good old fashioned tongue lashing.

So what stopped me in the case of dad? I could have nagged him to quit smoking. Everybody tried once or twice. We all did. But dad would just keep smoking. And getting weaker. And staying just as crabby as he always was.

And now that I look back, I wonder why we didn't make a bigger ongoing stink - besides the obvious that he'd be one cranky unlovable bastard without his ciggies. Was it the fact that we presume FREE WILL is the person's own personal decision and there's only so far one feels comfortable intervening because there's only so far we'd feel comfortable with someone intervening in our life?

Or is it laziness? Or the false security that comes with an ongoing sense of time. He can do it tomorrow. Tomorrow. Tomorrow.

The bottom line is though, he chose this. He chose this death. Be honest. Anyone who keeps smoking despite the risks is not doing it with an eye towards longevity. Denial maybe. Stupidity I hate to suggest since the reasoning here is fairly simple; cigarettes =bad for you. Duh.

So the bottom line is dad had a death wish. Well now he doesn't.

Too late to change. Too late to undo. Too late to roll back the clock.

Too late to change your mind, dad. Sorry.

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Dad didn't listen to Yul Brynner

I remember this commercial. Do you?


Why is that nobody listened to Yul Brynner?

Are humans are daredevils at heart, or simply very good at denial and wishful thinking?

I think I know the answer. It's delusion.


Friday, February 15, 2013

Dad update


You're feeling a little better today. You've been transferred to Transitional Care, where they'll get you "stronger" so you can go home. And probably fall. Or have another heart attack. Or just get weaker again.

I'm not mad at you today, but I do still view your problems in a negative light. Wish I could say I didn't lay the blame for your current condition on your refusal to quit smoking, but I do.

And I wish I had a way not to blame you for probably leaving my mom alone - this year - but I do. I'm just too sick and too tired to be angry at the moment.

It's going to be a long year.

So, here's some music that might cheer me up:

This song always makes me want to dance Flamenco!


Monday, February 11, 2013

The day Dad had a heart attack

The day Dad had a heart attack
angels squealed in terror
dolphins roamed lost in circles

somewhere, in the suburbs, a mother cut into a tomato
In the Amazon a tree fell
Nobody heard the bark of a lost dog
and the wind howled through the banyan trees

The day dad had a heart attack was probably Thursday
the high that day around 40
the low about 25

Nobody knows for sure how or why the tsunami hit
or the depth of the destruction
but the lasting legacy
the tolling bell, remains

Goodbye, Dad, goodbye
the beginning of the end is here
call me a pessimist
call me a lousy daughter
but I hear your wheezing on the wind
I sense your resignation in your sighs
I fear you'll soon give up and leave us stranded on the shore
or, more specifically, i don't fear
i inwardly know
i imagine
i see
even as i push away the thoughts
and consign myself to another day of hospital food
they linger
like a breath
or a bad lung full of  air

a lifetime of smoking can't be undone
with a few days of sunshine
I wish it could be so

but at the same time i know better