As the start of the new year approaches, I don't find myself feeling as passionate about things as I have in the past. While it's good to have goals in life, I don't think it's a bad thing to not feel overwhelmingly passionate about any one thing.
In the past, I've been so focused on one type of passion, on fulfilling an emotional need, that hardly anything else in life mattered. Time was a throwaway. Relationships weren't developed deeply. The focus wasn't there to do things that needed to be taken care of in day to day life. Personal growth was definitely on the back burner!
But in the past few years I've jettisoned the baggage, cut the chord to the addictive behaviors and mellowed the fuck out. No longer being driven by emotional desires, I find myself simply floating down a river. I bob up and down with the tide. unconcerned with direction. Maybe it's because inherently I believe all paths lead eventually to the same place. Maybe it's because after so many years of being a slave to my emotional childhood wounds, I cast a jaundiced eye at every new thing that promises to deliver a new and delicious punch. Or maybe, it's just that I'm too busy examining rocks.
There are only so many hours in a day, so many years in a lifetime. More and more, I find myself living in the here and now. Today, right this minute, I have a choice of what to do. What matters most to me right this second is a value judgment. It's not necessarily an emotional one. For example, do I want to do laundry or dishes? Do I want to write or go check on the folks? If the sun is shining getting outside for a while might just take precedence over all over options. One thing is clear - life is about choices. Choices are based on values - what's valuable to me changes each day, and over time it comes to reflect different parts of me.
The old path had passion and emotion and huge unfulfilled amounts of need. The new path has rocks. I pick them up and examine them, and make choices based on their value. Maybe in doing so I'll find a new passion, after weeding out all the rocks that I don't feel make valuable use of my time. If I do, great. If I don't....
I'll just keep on learning.